Lifesavers. M&M. A cookie. They’re all encompassed in the Rule. I think everyone knows it. It’s a phenomenon of life that is excepted worldwide… I’m sure. You can drop a piece of food on the floor and, now this is important, you must, must say, “Five second rule.” upon which you can then pick up the piece of food and consume it (of course the food should be on the floor no longer than five seconds).
Now, there are few exceptions to the Rule. While some may argue, there are some foods that should not be eaten whence they’ve fallen to the floor – especially depending on the floor.
Enter, the Hong Kong New York Style Chinese Restaurant on Hwy 60 in Bartow, FL. It’s a hole-in-the-wall chinese take-out place just like the countless others around the world. Cheap food. Quick production (Fi- ten minute). Mediocre service. It’s a speedy option for the one-hour lunch folks, like myself. The phone number is nestled between Glenn and In-laws on the cell phone. Ordering from Hong Kong easily adds an extra 7 minutes to my nap time.
Back to the Rule. So, I place my order via cellular magic and head on my way to HK. I walk in to see the same lady that takes my money every time. She’s actually pregnant right now. Exciting. Well, as I wait for my monetary transaction to be complete and for her to gather Mr. Tso’s delicious chickens, my attention is focus on the two men in the kitchen playing with wok’s and cutting up meat. As I receive my change, my eyes still diverted to the small Chinamen butchering the meat, I see him take a hack at a clump of bovine. Then, almost in slow motion, his dull clever flies through the air towards the meat where it does it’s duty, but then, as he lifts the knife back into the air to come back with antoher pass, a small piece of meat, no bigger than golfball, is temporarily suctioned to the blade. But, it didn’t continue it’s journey on the cold steel, instead… instead, it lept forth into the air, twirling about. It floated in the air for a moment. Yes, it suspended for just a second before it plumeted on to the dirtiest floor this side of a hospital (very dirty).
The cook didn’t hesitate. He bent down and reached for the meat with his gloveless hand. His picked up the cube of beef and and promptly threw it into his pre-cut pile on the table. Yes. Right off the nasty-ass floor back into the meat someone later that day will consume. Then, he looks to the other cook and says, “Choi-su bok foy.” Which I presume to be “Five second rule” in Chinese. But no, my Chinese dwarf, no. You cannont call that rule on a raw piece of meat. No. Cooked meat, yea okay, we’ll let that go if it’s got lots of spices already on it, but raw meat, nah ah. No, sir. And to you I say, “Shei tsu fe nieshmoy” which means like, I like your food, but… don’t do that… or something, I don’t know, that’s not the point. Point is, there’s limits to the Five Second Rule and you can’t do that in front of a customer.
Also, that lady that normally helps me. Well, she’s prego and she doesn’t shave under her arms. Eewwwwww.
